Our assumptions can also bring blessings all around. It’s really a matter of going after grit, grace or gotcha grievances where blame blocks our brain’s gateways into grace. How so?
Let’s say somebody wants to meet up in order to blame somebody else we happen to care for deeply. Perhaps a co-worker, a marriage partner, or a friend feels slighted by a person we know. Let’s say we agree to meet with the wounded person, but ask ahead that no toxic assumptions be brought up to smear the other side. What will result? Grace or grievance?
Or what about cutting assumptions that lead to blaming family or friends for our lack of fun or freedom?
Assumptions generated by our inner critic cause us to blame ourselves for personal failures or flaws, and that blocks our gateways into mercy and grace to go forward and delight in growth.
I was once asked to share an overall takeaway insight from a workshop on how grace heals blame. I offered this: “The opposite of blame as our lived experience is the assumption that every human is created in the image of a higher power, where divine love and inner gifts of grace can bring blessings that convert gotcha grievances into grit and grace for ourselves and others.” Correct assumptions open doors to innovation.
How then, can our inner gift of grace heal us if we feel blamed by a person who’d rather not discuss the problem or possibilities here? It often depends on our actions, whether we head into grace or guilt.
| Grace is amplified through | Guilt is amplified through |
| Listening | Judging |
| Affirming | Blaming |
| Empathizing | Criticizing |
| Challenging | Bullying |
| Risking | Fearing |
| Forgiving | Regretting |
| Comforting | Accusing |
Because false assumptions often cause conflicts, such as feeling slighted or blaming family or friends for our misfortune, it’s vital to examine assumptions frequently. The opposite of blame is a growth mindset that listens without judging, affirms people’s strengths without blaming them for weaknesses.
To examine assumptions with an open mind is also to empathize rather than criticize, challenge without bullying and forgive in ways that prevent conflicts that come from fear of failure or habits of accusing others.
We release the chemical serotonin to our brains when we act from correct assumptions. In stark contrast, we release cortisol toxins by mistreating others or demanding to be “right”, based on false assumptions. The choice seems obvious when we consider the fact that toxins keep us conflicted in and in the dark, while serotonin fuels growth and opens up fun adventures that take risk, honesty and correct assumptions.