It took me ten tough years to forgive my dad. Not because he ever asked for forgiveness, or seemed sorry, but because the pain of unforgiveness was blocking my own ability to love unconditionally and feel loved, despite my own weaknesses. The fact that I was out on the street alone at 14 might give you some of the backstory. Or the fact that I can’t remember a single kind thing my dad did, or a sacrifice he made for us, might shed light on the struggle. Yet, it was unforgiveness itself that became the biggest blockade—far more toxic than the abuse and neglect I had endured.
To get to forgiveness, I had to ask myself a question, even though my father had already passed. I asked, “How can I understand my dad’s feelings about our relationship problems and possibilities?” This was not about excusing the past, but about creating space to see things differently. It was about shifting my perspective to foster healing, which, in my experience, always starts with asking the right questions.
A growth mindset doesn’t just apply to learning new skills—it can also transform how we approach the most difficult parts of our lives. For me, this meant stepping into an empathetic mindset when it came to forgiveness. The kinds of questions I asked helped me let go of deep-seated pain and move toward more compassion. Instead of clinging to anger, I tried asking, “How can I understand my dad better, even after all this time?”
Could forgiveness be a tool for healing toxic workplaces or divisive communities? It’s an interesting question. Take John McCain, for example. He demonstrated an incredible ability to forgive, even as he worked alongside people who disagreed with him or disliked him. That’s a rare and powerful skill—a kind of mental resilience that is at the heart of a growth mindset.
Forgiveness isn’t just about letting go. It’s about shifting our inner lens through which we see the world from within a critical or compassionate inner filter. We choose between the two. Compassion, for instance would prompt us to ask, “What might I be missing in this situation that could help us to move forward?” That’s the type of growth mindset question that can turn bitterness into peace for ourselves and others.
Let’s bring this into the workplace as a tool for mental and emotional growth. Think about those conflicts we get stuck in, whether with a boss, a coworker, or a team member. How much energy is wasted when we hold grudges? That mental space, filled with negative emotions, doesn’t allow us to grow. And, in a toxic workplace, unforgiveness can become a cycle. This is where applying the MITA Growth Mindset approach helps. In difficult situations, asking open-minded questions like, “What can we do to rebuild trust and understanding?” becomes not just a tool for reconciliation but a powerful way to rewire our brains for compassion and forward-thinking. Not that we should feel forced to stay in any abusive relationships.
It’s important to remember that forgiveness isn’t about excusing someone’s behavior; it’s about freeing ourselves from the emotional prison that keeps us stuck. It’s about leaning into grace to find personal worth to move forward and foster forgiveness at every turn. It’s a deliberate decision to let go of hurt, so that we can choose freedom through peace and empathy. “What can we do today to release the weight of a grudge or painful accusation?”
When I was working on forgiving my dad, I didn’t simply try to forget what happened. Instead, I shifted my focus. I started asking myself, “What would it look like if I could embrace my dad’s lifetime pain and struggles with a sense of compassion, instead of judgment?” That’s where forgiveness comes in—when we can see the humanity in another person, despite their flaws.
Forgiveness isn’t just something we do for others; it’s something we do for ourselves. When we forgive, we literally change our brain’s wiring. We alter our chemical and electrical circuitry. It’s like creating a new mental pathway, one that leads us toward growth, instead of being stuck in the past. “How can we build trust and empathy today?” That’s a question rooted in a growth mindset, one that shifts our focus away from blame and toward understanding.
But forgiveness doesn’t just open up healing for our relationships—it has personal benefits, too. When we forgive, we release ourselves from the chains of anger and resentment, making space for gratitude, hope, and joy. “How can we shift our focus to propose new possibilities for our future?”
Forgiveness doesn’t require us to be right or to get someone else to apologize. It’s about choosing to let go of our need to be validated. When we start asking questions like, “What can we do to show care without expecting change?” we open up possibilities for ourselves and for others.
One of the most powerful things we can do to foster forgiveness is to approach the situation with curiosity and grace. “Is there something I didn’t understand that might have caused you pain?” Instead of trying to defend ourselves or explain our side, we can lean into the unconditional love that dwells within through grace. When loved or cared for without merit we are freed to take a step back and listen more—to really hear the other person’s perspective. That’s how healing begins. It’s about choosing to see the other person’s humanity, even when we feel wronged.
When we store hurt in our brains, it creates a toxic environment, not just for our relationships, but for our own well-being. So, the question becomes: “What mental space do we want to occupy today?” The key to healing lies in forgiveness.
It may help to remember that our brains’ basal ganglia literally stores and then reuses every act of forgiveness. That’s why empathy and compassion bounces us back and gets easier over time. Yes, even after unbearable pain from a person close to us.
Within every mentally and emotionally healthy circle, people have stored acts of care, grace and compassion. That gift of forgiving benefits all those who focus on future possibilities over past problems. For me, forgiveness became a daily decision. Instead of replaying the past, I focused on the possibility of healing. When conflicts arise I now try to ponder questions such as: “What could we do to move forward in a healthier way?”
Over time, I stopped expecting my dad—or anyone else—to validate my feelings or admit their mistakes. Instead, I found more freedom and forgiveness in letting go.
Questions That Unlock Forgiveness and Transform Problems into Possibilities
If we struggle to forgive someone—or even ourselves— we can start with questions like these:
- “What can we learn from this experience to grow stronger?”
- “Is there a way to rebuild trust here?
- “How can I show kindness, even if I’ve been hurt?”
- “What’s one small step we can take toward healing?”
- “How might letting go of blame help me find peace?”
Questions that build understanding, compassion and a desire for healing and moving forward:
- Can you help me understand how you’re feeling about this?
- What can we do to make things right between us?
- Is there something I didn’t see or consider that hurt you?
- How can we move forward together?
- What would help build trust between us?
- What do you need from me to feel better about this?
- Can we talk about what happened and how it made us feel?
- Is there a way to show how much I care about fixing this?
- What can we learn from this to ensure it doesn’t happen again?
- Can we take a step forward together, even if it’s small?
Open-minded questions don’t always erase pain unforgiveness brings instantly, but they shift our focus from hurt to hope and from grievance to growth. Could they help us to act as ambassadors to foster healing through forgiveness in our broken world?
Dr Ellen Weber‘s Growth Mindset Materials and Recent Publications Below:
Grace Mindset Book – paperback
The Teen’s Growth Mindset Workbook – paperback
Growth Mindset Interactive Materials Located at Weber’s TPT