Childhood suffering? Failed dreams? Unfair criticism? Sad and lonely? Suffer injustice?
Each painful experience above can come crashing in when least expected, from a chaotic world that’s beyond our control. Each holds lessons and tools, however, that will determine our freedom to sustain happiness, hope and healing in spite of setbacks and missteps.
Recently a good friend told me through tears how a cruel text message meant for his adult son’s best friend, came to him in error? Has it happened to you?
The hurtful email read: “Yah I’m angry & miserable around my f%*$ing dad…”
The email went on with detailed accusations that his dad failed to meet his childhood expectations.
First his father tried to confront his son but only increased anger and resentment, along with added shame and painful regrets on both sides. That confrontation resulted in miserable months of silent depression, stress and misery that increased each time they met.
By the time I heard about this feisty division and heard reasons for my friend’s depression, there seemed to be no further solutions for either dad or son. Has a similar wedge come between us and those we love most? Perhaps it’s justified by human failures or perhaps it’s merely a misunderstanding that festered over time.
In either case, the random cruelty and turmoil of our chaotic universe is well beyond our control. Certainly we ask forgiveness for any missteps we learn about on our part. Yet, we also recognize that we cannot fix others, nor can we take wellbeing externally beyond where we journey inwardly. In fact sometimes it seems we cannot find tangibly safer, more insurable solutions in this unsafe world!
So, if quick fixes and doable solutions seem obscure, what then is our best exit ramp safely away from painful judgements and emotional ruin? Where can we enter into daily harmony, happiness and hope?
LETTING GO SEEMS OVERLY SIMPLISTIC
We feel trapped, traumatized and victimized when love fails us. Our brains flood with toxins from cortisol chemicals and that toxic surge shuts down and pollutes our prefrontal cortex in ways that default us back into stress where we react with harmful choices. We yearn in vain for a caring embrace!
Even that majestic mix of inner healing apparatus and divine grace feels hammered and hamstrung by mental and emotional wounds we experience in continually replayed, painful memories. In face of cruel realities our letting go tools seem ill equipped and flawed. So we feel further frustrated and infuriated by suggestions to simply, “forgive, let go and move forward without further expectations from ourselves and others!” Where’s the healing in this fix?
What intervention will lower our emotional trauma, by-pass our failures, and offer us practical life lessons for moving beyond future conflicts?
FILTER A PAINFUL REALITY THROUGH A HEALING MEDITATION
Sit with this surefire reality that conflict and pain are part of our imperfect life, and we become ready to find and act on sustainable interventions that mend broken relationships in ways that bless and benefit all.
First, we find a quiet and comfy place to spend quality time with ourselves. Then consider our situation as part of the larger and uncomfortable reality that our entire universe is beyond our control. Yes, all of life (good and bad) will continue to happen in spite of us. We cannot control the hurts and happenings that daily hinder us and hold us back. To fight against this force is only to increase our fury and frustration.
Second, any expectations for more love, understanding, or appreciation will fail to bring us the deep inner care we crave. So rather than fixate on others giving us compassion and empathy, we accept that expectations we insist upon will only lead to more pain and possibly imprison us in traps such as self-pity.
Third, envision an exit ramp that includes letting go of personal needs from another to embrace and awaken inner kindness that finds and feels immense personal value in divine love and unconditional acceptance. It’s a bit like adding to the words, “Let go!” to include the words … “Let God!” Stay in that quiet, reflective place with tea, coffee or a glass of wine, and we come away feeling loved and cared for by the powerful, unconditional love forces of our Creator!
Fourth, After we have sipped from the overflowing cup of inner grace and agape love, we’re ready to select and enter that new meadow that fuels our brains and hearts with serotonin, the aha chemical that brings healing in its wings.
There in divine love, we grow brave enough to love ourselves and others, without any focus on personal flaws. Without any demands or expectations for expressions of care back. In that place we begin to pay forward love in ways that surprise us and continue to sustain our happier stance. We find innovative and visible ways to separate ourselves from abuse or trauma without further pain that comes from predictions of hurtful past responses. In that place we separate ourselves from the uncontrollable chaos of our universe and focus instead on our loving and compassionate responses within, where less judgment emerges and more rejoicing flows freely.
HOW WE MOVE BEYOND DAILY HURTS INTO HARMONY AND HAPPINESS
When we sit with ourselves in a reflective and meditative setting, we find freedom inside to reboot freedom from past external expectations. We drop desires for understanding we’d clung to while waiting in vain for joy to spring from others, from resources or from happier events.
Below are a few tips to gain more from our reflective moments, that can come in brief daily pauses or in a longer stretch of time, depending on what works best for us at any time.
1). Breathe slowly and deeply as a way to collect ourselves within an inner focus on personal loving-kindness, much as Ignatius monks do. For instance, focus on wonder by refusing to wander or wallow in critical judgements. Instead of bashing ourselves, we quietly lead our minds into our hearts by slowly breathing long and deep.
2). Allow our grace mindset to guide us into inner freedom to top up our healing, happiness and hope! In a quiet, restful place, we uncover genuine happiness within a divine presence that allows us to access grace and equip our hearts with healing that pays forward loving kindness and empathy for ourselves and others.
In these ways, meditation brings heaven to earth and uplifts earth to heaven into restored goodness along with win-win benefits and blessings for all concerned. No wonder we emerge from past hurtfulness and harsh judgements into a more grace-filled experience.
IN CONCLUSION
In so moving forward we also gain constructive and liberating lessons to share with others who feel crushed from a life that reacts in knee-jerk flings to forces we cannot control to a life well-lived. We learn many of our finest lessons from moments we’d have avoided if we could. We learn for instance, that if somebody is trying to change us to better themselves or comfort themselves, then than is control. If however, they are making suggestions we are grateful to receive, or that leave our worth and wellbeing in tact, we tend to feel thankful for their wisdom.
To reboot compassion, rekindle kindness and ensure a refusal to judge ourselves and others, we sit with the certain reality that life all around us is out of our control.
In this sacred setting, we embrace an inner agape love and compassion that fills our emotional wheelhouse to overflowing, heals our daily hurts, offsets the pain of judgements, and fills our hearts with bravery to love ourselves and others.
Healing love comes without demands or expectations, even without requirements for understanding reciprocated back. In such mindful moments we access and awaken love here on earth, much as it is alive and active in heaven! Worth a shot over the bow when painful reality hits next?
Please Note: The above article is in no way advocating for any of us to remain in abusive or dangerous situations that require us to get help, leave, report, or protect ourselves and others from harmful outcomes.
LINKS TO MY BOOKS AND MATERIALS TO GROW EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY HEALTHY
Grace Mindset Book – paperback
The Teen’s Growth Mindset Workbook – paperback
Growth Mindset Interactive Materials at TPT